I haven’t felt so much like an angry, rebellious teenager since my parents disapproved of my girlfriend in 9th grade. I want to act on that and rant and insult and fight da powah, but no. I am better than that now.

Instead, I will link to a Cracked article because that is how mature people do immature things. This article, 6 Of Your Favourite Things That Are Secretly Making You Fat, comprises my mother, essentially. Except the caffeine one. Especially the saving money one. But we’re getting to that.

My mother has begun doing her grocery shopping at Costco (BJ’s or Sam’s Club or whatever for you Ah-meh-ree-kan types) because now we live near one. As a result, it takes her three hours and hundreds of dollars to go out and buy some milk and a loaf of bread.

I mean, we had half a loaf of bread left. No milk, but we did have cereal. It’s not like we were going to starve.

And now we’ve acquired so much food, much of it will go bad, or be eaten simply because it WILL go bad, rather than for sustenance. “That chicken’s going to go bad soon, I may as well have another sandwich…” And suddenly it all makes sense.

I’m going to have to take over grocery shopping duties. Hopefully the responsibility doesn’t crush my will to live. We’ll implement a “grocery list” system whereby I buy the things on the list, and everything else is left in the grocery store.

Meanwhile my mother has 16 large plates (sneaky large portions) and 4 small ones, but it’s ok because we have a lot of big plates, right? And hey, are you already full? You didn’t take very much, you know, and there’s plenty left and it might not be very good as leftovers…

Then she watches Big Brother After Dark (in case you want to watch boring people sit around and be bored for your entertainment) all night out of boredom. Complains that the house is a wreck and nobody is helping her keep it clean.

PS: That article is a dirty lie because it says misery makes you burn calories, which is patently not true. Also try not to be overly offended by single, one-off sentences and forget the meaning of everything else that was written.