My valedictorian speech is almost done. I just need to finish my current paragraph about how anyone who really tries can succeed and conclude it decently, and we’re good to go. I’ll post it up if/when I get it done tomorrow, because it won’t be perfect, and I’d totally appreciate help looking for things you wouldn’t say in a casual conversation. Things you wouldn’t say colloquially, which is not nearly common enough to be colloquial. I don’t use if I can avoid it.

        It’s been making me think, though. Finally, with two weeks left of school, I’m actually confident. I know exactly what I need to do: finish this speech, prepare my razzle-dazzle for my propaganda presentation on monday, and study. Certainty and predictability are very good for me. When I know what needs to be done, I can plan for it. If I knew that x amount of research could fill y amount of words, and would take z hours to write, I could pump out papers and projects like you wouldn’t believe. It’s the uncertainty that kills me, that makes me panic and stress out until I’m nearly done, and then when I’m done I get stressed about the things yet to come. With two weeks left, I’m now safe from that, because I’ve worked at it, and done so early. I’d probably be done already if it wasn’t for this damn moving thing. Not nearly enough space for us at my mom’s friend’s house, but oh well.

        Going to university is predictable. I’m afraid of the stress and the misery that will likely come with it, but I’m far too stubborn to lay down and die. As much as I might want to, I’m sorry to say that I probably couldn’t give up, no matter how bad it gets. I’ve made it this far, anyway, and I’ve managed to swim by trying not to drown. Once you learn, you don’t usually forget. I told Ms. Barrett that she’d taught me how to study and do research properly, which is true, and I know I’d make my way through whether it took four years or fourteen.

        The question remains as to why I would do that, though. What do I gain? A good salary, of course, but… what else?

        Not going to university, however, leads directly to that uncertainty I fear so much more than unhappiness. I don’t know how to make myself a life, I don’t know any of the things you need to be a responsible adult. Well, I can fend for myself as far as sustenance goes. I don’t know. I’d keep going, but my rambling has been interrupted, and I need to vacate the vicinity so someone can sleep here. Will continue later if I’m still feeling vulnerable, maybe.