The introduction that wasn’t

Some people have bad MMO habits. When they’re not at school or work, that’s where they are: in the game. When they have to leave the computer, they think about the game. It’s the only thing they’ve got in mind, all day long. When they should be studying or doing work, they’re playing the game. They’re completely at peace there, and time has a way of disappearing on them. Nothing else in their lives really matters, but that’s alright, because they’ve got a way to escape all of that and go somewhere they actually matter.

        Myself, I’ve had a bad girl habit. When I wasn’t at school or work, I was on my computer so I could talk to her. When I had to leave the computer, I thought about her, about teasing her or maybe inviting her to do something. It was the only thing I had in mind, ignoring the little distractions here and there. I’m sure there were times I ignored my homework to chat, but I really didn’t care. I was, in fact, completely at peace, totally concentrated on her. Nothing else really meant anything to me, but it was alright, because I had a friend to keep me company.

        An MMO is like a good relationship: you can’t just close your eyes, spin around, and grab one at random. You have to go through the proper motions of courtship to find out if you’re right for each other. Like my relationship, my only MMO fixation was completely unexpected and entirely unintentional at first. No courtship at all, just a casual friendship that rapidly snowballed into something much bigger, leaving me entirely unprepared to find a successor. Boredom brought us to talk on MSN, just like boredom brought me to playing Ragnarok Online. Here and there, I’ve tried to see what (and who) else was out there, but each and every time, I leave in short order. Not to mention the ads that seemed relatively interesting, but caught me just when I wasn’t looking.

        Over the years, the relationship was on and off. Servers disappeared suddenly, consumed by mergers and unpaid hosting fees. Other times, activity died off and it seemed like it was time to move on. Of course, things stayed casual afterwards, sustained by happy memories and overall good will. Inevitably, we came back to each other, looking for all the things that brought us together in the first place. Each time, it seemed like it was THE time, the last time, the one where it all works out. For a while, it would be, and when the last time did roll around, it lasted longer than all the others.

        Ultimately, it wasn’t meant to be, and things fell through not long after it finally seemed looked like it was THE time after all. A nice little low-rate server, and I nearly made it to second job class without giving up. Shortly before getting there, though, I realized I just didn’t want to do it anymore. There were other places I’d rather be. Likewise, and it’s a very long story, she decided there was a relationship she’d rather be in, and so that was the end of that.

        The end doesn’t mean it’s over, though. You can’t help but think it might still work out. You wonder what you could have done differently - maybe if I had invested in some good equipment, I could have grinded somewhere more efficient. In the back of your head, you think tomorrow might just be the day that you agree to try again. So you don’t discount the possibility, and you never say never, because then it’s for sure. How can you commit when you really aren’t sure?

        When you finally decide to just be friends, and accept that you’ll never get as heavily invested as you once were, you start to wonder how far the definition of friends can go. You don’t want to watch it become an empty formality, but you’re not quite sure you want to be “friends” without ever taking that last leap. But where’s the happy middle? There’s a lot of options between everything and nothing.

        [So! Finally done! After my word processor decided to freeze when I finished - three times in a row - I realized it just didn’t like my “oh woe is me wahh” ending. So I copied the whole thing and finished in notepad. Show them to censor my writing *shakes fist*

        Speaking of censorship, I almost didn’t finish this tonight because I couldn’t help worrying about who might end up reading it. The bigger the potential audience, the more filters it has to pass through. When it comes to conversations, that’s alright, because I just rewrite a sentence or two and go on my merry way. The internet at large makes it nearly impossible to post things, as soon as I realize there are real live people out there I cut back until there’s nothing left. Even worse when I know them enough to avoid things specifically. Say I know vael is going to read something, I rewrite a couple of things here and there. If I’m considering showing it to my ex, I make sure there are no painfully rough edges lying around. So I sand it down and make sure nobody gets hurt,and eventually start to wonder if dull edges might not be dangerous too, and so I scrap the whole thing.

        When it comes to writing something for a broad audience, it’s hard to please everyone at the same time. And we can’t have anyone misunderstanding or being hurt by a poor choice of words, can we? (/sarcasm)]