Note: This article, sadly, isn’t on the Art of Manliness website. It’s great, though, and relevant to a discussion I was having earlier. Is it wrong to post one of the few book-exclusive Art of Manliness articles? Maybe, but I think it’ll be alright. If anything it should convince you to buy the book yourself.
One last thing - you’d be silly to think this only applies to men. It’s all good advice, though the relative usefulness depends on your situation - which includes the gender of your friend. Some people don’t like being grilled for information, others will be more than happy to talk. Go with what works, and recognize when you’ve stopped being helpful.
If you see your buddy going through a rough patch in life, it’s only natural to want to offer some advice on how to remedy the situation. But helping a man friend with a problem can be a sticky situation; men don’t like heart-to-hearts, they’re often too prideful to ask for help and a marathon of watching Sex and the City reruns and eating pints of Ben and Jerry’s won’t soothe their troubles. So when helping your friend with a problem, you must walk softly and carry a fishing pole.
Go do something together. Men tend to be uncomfortable with baring their souls. So instead of sitting your friend down and gazing into his eyes, go jogging, take him fishing or bowling, or play some pool. It’s easier to unburden yourself when you’re sitting looking outward, instead of face-to-face. In between fishing casts, ask your friend about his problem.
Get the facts. Before you can successfully help someone, you need to know all the facts about the problem. Harness your inner news report by asking who, what, when, where and why questions. And make sure you listen attentively while your friend speaks.
Enable your friend to discover the solution himself. Men are most likely to follow through with something if they feel like they thought of the idea themselves. And oftentimes a man simply needs to be able to think out loud to come up with the answer to his troubles. Therefore your job as a friend is to act as a facilitator. After you hear your friend’s problem, ask him very nonchalantly, “So what do you think you can do to fix your situation?” Usually he’ll start listening some things. When he says something that you think would be particularly effective, let him know and explore the idea further.
Ask him if he wants your advice. If helping them figure out their own solution isn’t going anywhere, ask your friend if he would like some advice. By asking before you jump into the ray, you respect your friend’s manly pride. If they say no, then it’s no great shakes. Just keep fishing or bowling and let your friend know you’re always willing to talk about it in the future. Don’t bug him about it; that’s the man code.
Don’t preach. Men hate being preached to. Don’t put off a smug vibe that makes your friend feel you think you’re better than him for being in this pickle. Skip the patronizing sermon of “shoulds” and “musts”; instead offer suggestions. Say, “This is what I would do if I were in your situation,” “You could try doing X,” or “I once had a similar problem and here’s how I handled it.”
Give ‘em some straight talk. Men don’t like to be preached to, but they do appreciate a justified kick in the pants. If your friend’s been a dunderhead, then you need to call him on the carpet. Talk to him respectfully and honestly, man to man. Sometimes you have to tear a man down to bring him back up.
Naturally the specific situation should determine your approach. If the problem is more sensitive, like his girlfriend cheating on him, be more sympathetic.