Utopianism Disease

Recently, an epidemic has been clawing its way through our glorious nation of the United Internets of The Web. It began slowly, in an isolated corner of the UItW. But one by one, new cases were discovered, making a clear case for a classification of this contagious new menace to our hearts and minds. Preliminary results are reproduced below, and have been submitted for inclusion in the DSM-V. Researchers around the nation are doing further research as we speak, and it is certain that much more is left to uncover about the disease tentatively titled “Utopianism Disease.” We can only hope that methods of treatment reveal themselves for inclusion in the print release of the DSM-V.

        Utopianism Disease, or UD, has been classified as contagious, as it spreads from those who exhibit the most extreme symptoms to new, impressionable hosts. The symptoms are painted as positive ways to improve quality of life, and the new host seems to realize that they have always been there and put a new level of importance on them. Eventually, the symptoms take over their life, and they too become yet another victim of UD. As the disease progresses, they begin to spread it to their friends and acquaintances. Some even offer the disease to strangers, claiming it will bring enlightenment.

        UD is characterized mainly by abnormalities of emotion and thought. Unlike many traditional diseases, the simple idea of it can spread it to others. No bacteria or germ is involved. It can be spread verbally, or it can be spread through written text. In fact, it can be spread by any form of communication. This is what makes it so terrifyingly effective, and so frightening to contain. No human being can reasonably be detained indefinitely, for the protection of all others. If they need to be guarded, eventually the guards may succumb. Treatment must begin with the worst sufferers and work down to those who hold the idea at arm’s length and avoid further infection.

        Sufferers share no easily defined physical link, and so it must be assumed that no one is immune. No race, gender, or creed is safe. Age does not appear to grant any immunity; however, it seems that young people are especially at risk. This vulnerability makes it even more important than ever to protect our children from online predators. Freedom will only harm them. Glob bless the United Internets of the Web.

        The list of symptoms has not been finalized, as UD seems to manifest in a wide variety of ways. However, a preliminary list follows.

• Excessive introspection, often becoming “lost in thought” - sufferers may find themselves so aware that they are unable to stop themselves from contemplating the deep mysteries of life, or the fact that their eyes are just a little bit too far apart to attract potential mates
• Focusing on self-actualization, at the expense of the steps preceding the tip of Maslow’s widely accepted Hierarchy of Needs
• A desire to manifest change in any way possible - on themselves, their environment, or the people in their lives, they will work towards their ideal state for the things they believe they can change
• Constant feelings of guilt and self-doubt, often traceable back to being too aware of themselves
• A strong belief in the importance of being a “good person” - definitions may vary, but most sufferers will often use phrases like “good person” or “not like everyone else” to describe themselves
• A feeling that they have realized a true inner potential, as if to imply that most people never accomplish such a thing

        It is very important that if you, anyone you know, appears to have any of the above symptoms, you proceed immediately to the highest-paid psychiatric help available in your area. If symptoms have yet to appear, you may still want to consult a well-paid psychiatrist to make sure you have the right medication to keep your family safe. Big Pharma Inc. has promised a vaccine will be available within the next few months, and it is expected to create a full immunity to UD. Waiting lists will soon be available on their website, and it is recommended that you pay by cheque or credit card to make sure you have early access to this life-saving vaccine.

        Glob bless the souls of these poor, poor victims, and long live the glory of the United Internets of the Web.