The lows are low, but the highs are home

I got some free headphones with my new phone, and they weren’t bad as far as free headphones go. Better sound quality than the piece of crap $15 Skullcandy earbuds I bought a year ago, and they had a button that would play/pause anything playing on my phone. Neat! So I stopped using the crappy, uncomfortable, terrible sound quality Skullcandy headphones, which I only bought out of desperation because I couldn’t find my usual $10 Sony ones.

Last week, the left earbud stopped working unless you tweaked the cord in a specific way. Fine, I can live with this, I’ve got to power through an assignment anyway. Nope! A few hours later, the other earbud gives out too. Well, shit. Now I have to listen to dumb people while I’m trying to concentrate. But, ok, I’ll just stay on campus really late and there won’t be anyone around to bug me. Fine, it all works out, I get my old headphones back and stuff. Sucks, but it’ll do.

But everyone who uses earbuds seems to go on about how they “used those white iPod headphones for years and they worked fine!” So when my dad had to replace his iPhone after dropping it (screen shattered, bits of broken glass in his hand, etc.), I snagged the headphones that came with it. They worked just fine listening to music in iTunes, and were slightly less uncomfortable than the Skullcandy pair, and all was well.

Then I tried to use the headphones with my phone. My Android phone. And it sounds like ass. Like someone is sitting on my ears, specifically. Also, like the audio was playing in slow motion. Then being filtered through tinfoil.

Still sounds fine playing music through iTunes. This is what they call a conspiracy, folks. And I have no idea what it means to be “like an Apple product,” because a certain mysterious internet vigilante (who is in hiding) never finished their simile. Maybe it means to be spiteful and refuse to work well with others? The world may never know.

[I bet you thought you missed me until you read this]

[title courtesy of this XKCD shirt I’ve always liked, but known it would be stupid to actually wear. Also, I wrote this post… nearly two weeks ago, and since I’ve started talking about it with a few close friends it’s gotten a lot better. I’m only just posting it now because I know the rest of the people who will read it are exactly the people I haven’t spoken to enough, and I’m not sure how you’re all going to react. No pity, alright?]

       Now that classes have started again and I’m starting to see people I never spoke to last year, I’ve realized something strange. Without noticing it, I’ve developed pretty severe social anxiety. To the point where going to meet up with a bunch of linguistics students was physically difficult for me. Thinking about it hours in advance made me sick to my stomach - that was my first big hint. When I got there, I couldn’t even think of things to say, or was always ten minutes behind the current conversation. It was pretty brutal.


        Then I got to thinking about how little things have changed between Brittany and I now that she’s moved in at my mom’s - we see each other physically about as often as we used to speak by text/IM (both of which we’ve mostly stopped doing) when she lived in PEI. And I realized that I’ve been a bit off around her, too, never really knowing what to say and dreading the thought of starting a conversation. And it’s sad to think that one of my closest friends is now my roommate (half the time), and we never hang out, and I say it’s because I don’t want to intrude when I’m really just afraid. And worse is the fact that I’m sitting in the basement, trying to force myself to study, but I wind up being unable to concentrate because I’m just miserable and lonely. And I could just walk upstairs and say “hey, what’s up?” But I don’t. It’s been almost three months, and I haven’t done that once. It’s baffling, honestly, but only when you really think about it. As you can see, it’s taken me this long to notice, so there’s some positive self-deception for you. I’m slightly curious about whether I’m the last person to realize this, and whether I’ve always been like this, but I haven’t had the guts to ask.


        It gets worse, though, because then I think about it some more and realize it’s been a couple of years since I started a casual conversation like that at all. Including over IM. Only two or three years if we’re talking zero conversations whatsoever, but then, an epiphany - I’ve been like this since I first got on MSN in 8th grade. With few exceptions, I’ve always waited for other people to start the conversation or only ever started to talk to them when I had something specific to talk about - a funny webcomic, comment about a new game, whatever. Vael and I talk a lot over IM, but nine times out of ten, he starts the conversation, and the rest of the time I have something to show him or ask him about.

        [Errata: Vael says he counted and it’s roughly 50/50. But I was mainly thinking about a sort of “hey, what’s up” kind of thing that just leads naturally into a conversation. Plus, a lot of the time you don’t actually have anything to talk to someone about yet, so you don’t have much else to say.]

        So suddenly it’s come to light that I’ve never been comfortable starting a casual conversation. You can see how that might be a problem when it comes to getting to know people. It seems like I’ve made most of my friends by accident, considering the number of new friends I made during high school (just Vael) and the number I’ve made since moving to Ottawa (one, a few more depending on how much you lower your criteria for “friends”). Not to mention the piss-poor job I’ve done of keeping the friends I’d already made. And the others I’ve driven away trying to “help” them with all of their problems, because I couldn’t think of anything else to talk about… Or worse, the people I got to know simply because they needed someone to talk to about stuff like that.


        I’m working on it, though. Friday before last, I invited someone over for supper just for the sake of having some company. And I’ve felt a lot better since then, because it was a lot like hanging out with people once upon a time. And I’m not deliberately avoiding sitting near people I kind of know in class, though I’d still feel weird going and sitting down next to them. And thinking about just how deep the problems run has made me realize just how little I need to do in order to improve on my previous behaviour. So how’s that for low expectations! Spoke to a human being today, I’m so proud of myself. But, seriously, this is where psych 101 comes in and I realize I’ve had this avoidance learning thing going on for years. And I don’t intend to keep it up. Which is why I’m writing this, instead of posting sad song lyrics, or about how I’ll be FOREVER ALONE T.T, or how much I identify with Socially Awkward Penguin.


        I’m not looking for pity, and I’m not going to say “this is just how I am” or look for ways to cope with the symptoms (without actually dealing with the real problem). But hey, I have a cell phone and unlimited texting. If you don’t know it/aren’t in Canada, when my IM status doesn’t say I’m busy, feel free to say hello. I’m not ignoring you, and I don’t hate you either. I just don’t know where to start most of the time. But don’t do it too much! I can’t keep relying on other people to start conversations. I’ll be around, anyway. Plus, if you’ve read this far, I can only assume you’re either very interested in my life, or can’t think of anything more exciting to be doing. To both of those kinds of people, you may as well just say hello - I’ve got tons of contact info on facebook if you’ve got me there, or you can scroll down my ugly tumblr page and find a few options.

Five years ago (minus a month and 9 days) I was sitting in front of our “big screen” 36" CRT TV with my launch day PS3 and a copy of Insomniac’s first Resistance game. I ran around, shot aliens in the face, and I probably had fun doing it. I think I tried to run around and find all the hidden documents for a little while, and even ventured online for a couple hours of multiplayer. Too long ago to remember much more though.

        Roughly three years ago, Resistance 2 came out, and I liked it well enough too. Convinced a few friends to buy it so we could play co-op online… but I never played it with them. Oops. I didn’t really mind the changes from the first game (regenerating health, no weapon wheel), but I was really getting into the story. What’s up with the Cloven? What are the Chimera? I was under the impression that there were more backstory documents in the multiplayer, so I really wanted to get those, but my interest waned pretty quickly.

        A month ago now, Resistance 3 came out, and I knew I didn’t really care. But hey, I’m already two games in, I have to know what comes next, right? So I bought it a couple weeks ago. Played my way up to chapter 17 (of 20) over the course of ~8 hours or so. And I didn’t enjoy it in the slightest. As far as the gameplay goes, the best ideas it has are to bring back health packs and the weapon wheel. There’s nothing to see here, folks. You’ve got scripted sequences where it seems like you might die, but you obviously won’t. You’ve got arena areas with just the right amount of ammo and health to get you through safely. You’ve got some “quirky” weapons like the one that freezes dudes, and the one that mutates dudes, but the end result is that the other dudes die and you don’t.

        I kept going, looking for the fun, hoping it might be right around the corner. But there was no fun to be found anywhere in my $60 game. Trade-in value for the game is down to $25, but of course that’s in-store credit. I usually think of trading in a game along the same lines as throwing it out, and I was that frustrated with the game that I almost considered it. But not for half of what I paid for it, and conditional on the fact that I want to spend that money on another game. So I’ll just keep it, and set it aside in the Hall of Shame section of my shelf.

        The thing is, I’m not sure if Resistance 3 is just an ok game, or whether I’m bored with shooters in general. Or maybe it’s not even shooters - maybe I’m just done with “Hollywood games.” I want Prince of Persia: Sands of Time, where you can actually fail the platforming sequences. I want Demon’s Souls, where rocks fall down and kill you, instead of falling around you to create the illusion of action. I want to be legitimately afraid because my character is weak and the enemies are strong, because a dark room with some scary noises isn’t going to cut it. I want a narrative that gives me just enough information to get engaged, but always has bigger mysteries to solve. I want characters that are worth caring about. And I don’t need every game to have all of these things - one or two of them, done well enough, can carry a whole game.

        But I’m done throwing away sixty bucks on games with nothing to offer. I’ve got better things to do with my time and money. I can’t see any shooters coming out any time soon that I have any interest in buying, and I’m going to think a bit harder before I jump on something like the new Assassin’s Creed or FF XIII-2. In the mean time, stuff like Serious Sam: The Random Encounter is far more interesting to me than all of the big releases coming out this year.